He disabled his match.com account in front of me
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
