Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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