You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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