dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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