Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
