So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
