i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
