We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
