i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
