when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
