New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
