do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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