found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
