You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
