Just cropdusted the office
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize