Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
