onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
