Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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