Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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