If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
