I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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