All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
