oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
