Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
