Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
