He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
