She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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