I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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