you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
