Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
