mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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