I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
