Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
