They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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