We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize