She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
