Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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