Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
