i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Houston, we have a squirter
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
