I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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