I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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