That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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