I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
