Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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