he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
