the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize