I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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