take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
