Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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