By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
