You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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