I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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