Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Randomize
