2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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